Child’s Play

If you’re a mom, dad, grandparent, aunt or uncle, chances are you have a child, children, or know someone who does. Even if you are a couch potato, and your only friend in the world is a potted plant, chances are sooner or later you will cross paths with a child. AND you will have to communicate with a child. Or, God help you, children.

Now, you may think you are prepared for such an encounter. You know the English language. You use it on a daily basis. You send text savvy space saving words like “thxs” and “lmk”. A conversation with a child should not cause massive dysfunction in the unknown section of your body, otherwise known as your “brain.” Conversing with a child should be a piece of cake.

Guess again.

I have FOUR children in my house. The English language has degraded to a series of hashtags and memes that make the four of them laugh, but leave us adults on the sideline, scratching our collective heads, wondering what the hell is going on. Are they swearing at us? Are they being dirty? I’d wager probably both, and I’d probably be right.

But fear not friends, I am here to help. Tonight I captured a child (more like bribed him with cake), demanding answers to questions such as –

  • what does dank mean?
  • who is Ben Swole?
  • And who the hell would pay $100 for a Supreme T-shirt?

Sadly, the child had no answers that I understood to the last bullet point, but here is what was told to me, using an exaggerated why-is-this-happening-to-me tone of voice , and one or two syllable words.

Dank – means weed/smoking. (I thought it meant smelly)

Ben Swole – Kylo Ren (who is that?)

Jake Paul – Hated Youtuber (is Youtuber even a word?)

Do you know de way – VR chat funny moments (I’ve heard this phrase so many times in my house. My response has always been “the way to where?” Now I know why they’re laughing at me.)

Spicy/Fresh/Cancerous – All types of memes (True story. Can’t pronounce “memes”.)

Now, this list is in no way complete, or makes sense, BUT – perhaps on some future date, when you find yourself in the unfortunate position of having to make small talk with a child, you will at least be able to make rudimentary hand gestures and sounds that resembles their language.

You’re welcome.

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